First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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