when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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