dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Two words: nipple clamps
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