My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
