So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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