you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
