There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
As shirtless as possible
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
