I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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