I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
