got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
