All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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