clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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