Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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