i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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