Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
