Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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