He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
