I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
