im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
