Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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