finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Text me some of your sweat
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
