Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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