We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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