woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
