do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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