nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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