There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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