i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
