I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
