lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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