My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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