bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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