I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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