She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
