I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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