Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
is wine microwaveable?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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