my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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