My underwear smells like fireworks.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
