he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
