i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
