I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
