We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
