After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
