I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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