I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
