Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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