im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
