Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
