peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
