just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
