my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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