I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
