You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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