how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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