So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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