How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
