So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
