Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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