You just made me feel so damn special
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
