Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize