this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't deserve a penis
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
