I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
