My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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