The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
